Sunday, April 10, 2011

Clarification.

 I figured I should write a post like this eventually. I am sorry sometimes, my blog has days before it even gets updated. I suppose having a little chat about mysElf may help to clarify.

I've put in a page break, so only people who really like to read what I write should click through :)

I am 21 years old, and have suffered from manic depression for years, as long as I can remember. It’s something I am doing my best to manage, control and just get on with life regardless of my condition, but sometimes it’s hard. I am medicated + seeking help, but even with all the love and support of my friends and family, I still honestly do struggle.

One day I will wake up + feel like I can achieve everything I have ever put my heart to, that I AM pretty cool and have a million things to say about everything ever- which translates quite accurately in my writing.
However, another day I will wake up + believe that I am the most inconsequential person in the universe, that everything I say is shit, that I am completely + utterly stupid, pointless + should just stop trying because it’s all meaningless in the end. I don’t think people want to have anything to do with me, because I am possibly the most boring person in the universe. Food tastes like ash, my body feels like it’s made of lead and my sadness manifests to physical pain. These are the days I spend in a doonah, on the couch or asleep all day.

Please don’t sit there on a high horse + bitch about how we all have bad days; honestly, I have had enough of people who don’t know me, suddenly deciding they are doctors/therapists/psychologists + having a crack at their own version of a diagnosis. You can either know where I am coming from, or you don’t- but I have not asked for your opinion at all.

But I digress. This blog was originally created as a coping mechanism for my mental illnesses- in no way did I expect people to like what I did so much, or have the total love and support from so many people. It’s beautiful how you can open your heart to people you have never ever met and still have the same kind of warm fuzzies you get from doing it face to face with someone. The response I get from what I do (what ever THAT is) is so wonderful + the support I am shown is a real asskicker when I have my downward spirals. I thank you all so, so much for that.

I guess, what I am getting at is; I MAY have my manic phases where I can update my blog three times a day and not run out of ideas or things to say, or I may have total downward spirals where I just feel like I can’t create or share anything, even though I have done so before. Please be patient with me + I will do my best to make sure I continue to write and show you parts of my crazy life.

I hope where ever you are, you are having a simply marvellous night. Big hugs.

xx

Z

P.s I've been shooting a bit recently. I'll post photos soon, but if you're impatient, head on over HERE ♥

7 comments:

  1. I can totally relate to this, I have been diagnosed with manic depression too and it is a bitch to deal with. The medication is harsh (and I'm still looking for one that doesn't make my stomach feel like death) and it can be really hard some days.

    I love how honest and open you are, I will continue to read your blog, regardless of how often or not you update it, because it is always a good read ^_^

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  2. Thank-you for sharing, Zephyr.
    I, too, suffer from Depression and I think that anyone who hasn't, really doesn't understand it.
    I wish you all the best. I love your blogs and your fashion shoots :)

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  3. I have those ups & downs too; I was diagnosed with depression 6 months ago & felt like the only person going through it (and I know how annoying being told "everyone has bad days" is) So sorry you have to deal with it as well, I know it's horrible, but I can totally relate & I hope you can get through it and keep being amazing. Your blog always makes me smile :D

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  4. I have some kind of depression or condition as well - undiagnosed as of yet because I'm on a waiting list (still ¬_¬), but I take St Johns Wort for it. Friends and family help me struggle through the worst parts, as does music... but reading your blogs and seeing you pop up in my FB feed also helps me carry on. You really do inspire me to do better and to keep on fighting, Elf <3

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  5. Thank you for sharing this with us. I think it's brave of you to be as open and honest about it as you are. I only started following you're blog, but already see that you are an amazing person. I hope you will continue to blog, because I like to read it, no matter how often you will update it.

    *hugs*

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  6. I know people who aren't really depressed, you know the kinda teenagers who are NORMAL teenagers who get put on medication coz doctors and parents can't be bothered. You have a WAY better outlook on life than them, you work hard and do what you can and that's amazing.
    I only made a blogger account to read your blogs! So there's definately a lot of love out there for you xoxox

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