Thursday, March 24, 2011

Polyamory: Questioning monogamy

DISCLAIMER: The following post may contain ideaologies and opinions that may differ from yours. If you read the following post + for some reason take offence/don’t agree with what I have to say, that is YOUR problem , not MINE. I don’t want to hear about it.

Gee, I don’t even know where to begin with this one. I’ll just ramble + hope for the best? I always find opening a blog is the hardest part of writing one- curses! Before I do begin though, I'd appreciate it if people didn't take this as me screaming "I AM LIEK SO TOTZ POLY" from the rooftops. I am NOT labelling mysElf or just catergorizing the way my brain works into one pigeonhole. This article and lifestyle has OPENED MY EYES and HAS MADE ME REALISE that my brain isn't just broken + stupid, that there ARE other people out there who are the same as me. All the judgemental people who are sitting on their high horses with their "OH you're ONLY 21!" and "You're doing it for attention" can eat my shorts. Surely if I wanted attention, I'd cover mysElf in jam + gladwrap + go for a walk down the street. Actually, that's not such a bad idea...

I was trawling the blogosphere today while getting ready for my day, and stumbled across an entry that rather piqued my interest. It read “POLYAMORY” and was something that, until today, I had never heard about. Always curious, I had a read + then a google of the word, which lead me to good ol’ Wikipedia + suddenly a whole new perspective to who I am as a person.

My whole life, I have always been a bit of a dud in the relationship sector. I didn’t even NOTICE boys until I was 16 years old- the first guy I kissed was someone I met while crying over a cow at the Royal Adelaide Show (true story- I swear!), he told me he wasn’t that into me + I healed my first heartache over in Japan. This also lead to my brief stint of girlfriends, having felt not even a squiggle of desire from said kiss, but apparently it was just because he was lame. But I digress..

It was when I first moved to Adelaide, that I started delving into serious relationships; but I always found that to me, there was something missing.  I never felt that feeling of wanting to spend the rest of my life with someone, nor did I want to shout it from the rooftops/go all relationship mad on social networking sites. Instead, I was consumed with this awful feeling of dread; that time was running out + I needed to SEE the world before committing to a relationship. That lead to me being secretive and unclear to others about my relationship status, which in turn made the already clingy boyfriends cling more, until I snapped and told them to fuck the hell off.

For ages, I just thought I was a commitment-phobe- I was a teenager, living in a world with access to the internet and cheap flights; there was no need to settle down! But as more and more of my friends found themselves in serious relationships, having children + getting married, I figured there HAD to be more to it, and took a year off from the dating world to figure mysElf out.

I wasn’t afraid of commitment, I was afraid of solidarity; staleness + being trapped. This isn’t to say that I would feel this because of the person I was with; I just always found mysElf wanting MORE. I don’t believe that everyone is born monogamous, I don’t believe that there is only one person for you in the universe. Soulmates are a pretty concept, but I don’t believe that there is only ONE person for ONE person in the world, I believe there is such a thing as being able to love many + be loved completely in return. I suppose, this is where Polyamory steps in.

The Wikipedia definition of Polyamory is as follows:

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
Polyamory, often abbreviated to
 poly, is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word is occasionally used more broadly to refer to any sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristics.

Of course, it’s a controversial subject. People can easily sling mud such as ‘slut’ at someone who isn’t comfortable in a monogamous relationship, but to me, that has about as much effectiveness as screaming “FAGGOT” in a queen’s face. Some people can’t help the way they’re born, and the moment they accept that, there is SWEET FUCK ALL you can do to change their ways. 
Polyamory isn’t about going out and sleeping with as many people as possible, it’s also not about keeping secrets and being sneaky about what you do. It’s not about swinging, or orgies- it’s about being able to share your affections + care with more than one person, it requires a higher level of trust, communication and maturity than monogamy would ever need- I’d rather connect on a deep emotional level with several people, than to do so with one person and be worried of growing stale.

Of course, you’re going to be thinking ‘WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT BEING WITH ONE PERSON?”, but I ask you this; what is so hard about being with more than one person?
I could even argue that it's part of human evolution to be serially monogamous + settling down is just something we didn't do until a monetary system called "Marriage" came along.
It’s all a matter of personal tastes, views and opinions; I don’t think people who strive for complete monogamy + soulmates are stupid or bad people, I just feel it’s something that , right now, I don’t feel right to subscribe to. I don’t believe it is ‘hard’ to love just one person, I also don’t believe in forcing yourself to only have eyes for one person- that’s where the need to cheat + go elsewhere is born.
Sure, it might be something that changes over the years; however, love is always going to be love, and if that’s for a man, woman, one person or several people, unless it’s your own relationship, you should butt the hell out.

So, that’s my two cents/discussion. If you have any questions, I am more than happy to answer  them- the commenting on this post is enabled, so you don’t have to have an account to leave feedback; but please be aware that if you try and cause shit, trolls will not be fed + your comment will be removed.




  1. My lover boy and I are in a polygamous relationship and have been for a year now. It´s not about us sleeping with heaps of people, it´s us realising that having feelings for others doesn´t detract from our love for each other. Good work, Zeph ^-^

  2. it's a shame that you had to put that disclaimer at the beginning. everyone should view everything as you just said it, if someone takes offence, you don't need to hear about it. what you just said isn't hurting anyone. if that's how you feel, i think it's fine.

  3. You are awesome, and I really look up to you. Keep being you :D <3

  4. Oh Hun.
    You have no need to justify not wanting to settle down with one person.
    You're young, you're beautiful and you're having fun with life.
    Even if you never want to be with just one person, as long as you're happy, it never matters what everyone else says.
    Your life is your life, you never have to be like everyone else to find this Fairytale Monogamous relationship everyone seems to seek, if you don't want it, don't feel you need to..

    Just be sure you enjoy your life, as you see fit.
    You'll always have friends who love you.


  5. I think what you said is fantastic.
    You go girl!

  6. My boy and I are two happily skanky, bisexual darlings and have a lot of fun hunting wild pretties to play with.
    After both having to control ourselves in past relationships and having a lot of guilt and restrictions placed upon us, we're finally free to be ourselves, together, and life is really freaking good ^_^

  7. Damn! Just have a threesome (as often as you wish), cos this poly vibe fucks with heads, hearts, boundaries and emotions - I know, have been there myself.

    Trust me, you're only 21, HAVE FUN, stay SINGLE, but a poly relationship only entangles and confuses the already messed up world of bumping-uglies.

    P.S - Did your bf suggest this in passing or solely your google searching / inner questioning?

    Also, whether you deem to care or not, people WILL talk, come to conclusions and you will garner a reputation - whether you want to admit it or not!

    All the best Z x

  8. LOL,, and this comin from a girl who labelled herself a misanthrope not too long ago!

    Which is it, love or hate?
    Come on now, it's a fair enough question isit not??
    Gen Y XD

  9. Take your judgement elsewhere. I'll be whatever I want to be- and if that is a misanthrope, asexual or polyamorous, then so be it.

    Also, on reputations; do I look like the kind of person who gives a flying fuck? If that's honestly what you think I'll worry about, you don't even know me.

  10. "Polyamory isn’t about going out and sleeping with as many people as possible, it’s also not about keeping secrets and being sneaky about what you do. It’s not about swinging, or orgies- it’s about being able to share your affections + care with more than one person, it requires a higher level of trust, communication and maturity than monogamy would ever need- I’d rather connect on a deep emotional level with several people, than to do so with one person and be worried of growing stale."
    One of the best statements about the topic I have ever heard or read. Kudos to you.

  11. Also, my boyfriend did NOT suggest this; it was something I stumbled upon from a link my friend posted on Twitter.

    When we both came into our relationship, it was on the terms that we were both not looking to BE with other people + that we had to be okay with the fact that our eyes may wander. I'm happy, he's happy- what's the problem? Last I checked, it's MY relationship, not yours :)

  12. Cheers Countess- it's nice to hear such positive feedback from so many strong + beautiful women.

    I'm going to hazard a guess that these 'anons' are butthurt males, who can't handle a female who has come to comfort with her sexuality. Haters gonna hate, I guess ;D

  13. ILY.
    However I find it's almost impossible to gain the respect and commitment from several individuals who'd agree that it is okay.
    I have always felt this way, however hinting in past scenarios, I have yes, broaden the scope, and mindset of past boyfriends or such, but never been given the same opinion or amicable agreeance on the idea that poly is okay or right or should be done.

    The person I could marry some day will be able to be strong enough to do that. To understand that a relationship can be formed with more than one.

  14. I also have never heard the term until today, so thank you for enlightening us. It is a wonderful feeling to find a term to label yourself under, for nothing more than a better understanding of who you are.
    I wouldn't personally consider myself to ever partake in a polyandrous lifestyle but I did find your question interesting: "what is so hard about being with more than one person? " I honestly sat and thought about it for a little while. I think my personal answer to that is because the people I find myself in relationships with are the very clingy, jealous and untrusting type. A relationship with more than one person wouldn't just damage them, but me too.
    Like you say, it's all down to the individuals' sexuality and taste and it isn't really anyone elses business.

  15. Truly, this isn't a lifestyle for everyone; something that I am completely at terms with.

    I'm not a jealous person, I'm incredibly open as a person and have no problem with discussing things like this. With communication, no jealousy + freedom to exist as I am, comes trust; it all just comes down to not being afraid to talk.

    But again, as it's been said, not everything is everyone's cup of tea. I didn't HAVE to discuss this with people, but I felt like sharing. I'm glad not everyone is being a butthurt fool :)

  16. "LOL,, and this comin from a girl who labelled herself a misanthrope not too long ago!

    Which is it, love or hate?
    Come on now, it's a fair enough question isit not??
    Gen Y XD"

    There was no need for you to be so rude to this person. They were just curious.

  17. Excuse me? If you're going to be butthurt about the way I treat people who are being disrespectful, you can rack off right now :)

    This is MY blog, with MY views and I will talk to people who comment on MY posts the way I see fit. Don't like it? There's the door :)

  18. As much I a can understand the logic behind this, personally I would be one of those people that wouldn't be able to handle such a relationship.

    Maybe its just how I've been brought up but I'm one of those people that only ever has eyes for one person at a time. The effort it would take to keep intimate relationships with a multitude of people would be so emotionally draining for me since I really put 100% in.

    I absolutely love my boyfriend and to me the thought of being intimate with anyone else is extremely off putting. We have been going out for nearly a year and I sill dont feel the need for anything more, Im content.

    This is not me judging or saying its right or wrong but simply stating that for me it wouldn't work.

  19. Yeah- I can appreciate that + I really like hearing from people who DO have really committed relationships; it's nice to hear another point of view in that aspect. And it's cute that you're nearly at a year! That's awesome ^____^

  20. In my life i have gone from thinkingi was asexual to just sexually retarded. And although i still dont know who i am sexually i do know that Polyamory is something i have considered and i have already spoken out about judgment on peoples sexual beliefs, preferences or fetishes. I am a sexual person and i did start out a relationship where all i wanted was him and i would scream it from the rooftops and then 3 years down the track look at me now a biselxual commitment-phobe who is too afraid to talk to women and doesnt want a relationship with women. I think Polyamory is something that needs to be accepted along with the millions of other things people get jusdged for... Dunno where i was reallly going with this but i just wanted to say i have felt both sides of the fence and i think they both suck. Polyamory is such a hard thing to admit to and an even harder thing to ask from some partners. I support all sexual fetishes, as i know i am a sexual mystery myself. Who the hell would i be to judge...

  21. Just thought I'd weigh in here. This isn't something I suggested, nor is it something I am hugely interested in - although I'm not completely adverse to the idea either - it's just something Z was reading sbout on the internet. It prompted a discussion where we both agreed that we don't feel any inclination to be involved with anyone else, but that it isn't something we will definitely rule out in the future.

    I'm glad I'm seeing someone where we can have a rational dicussion regarding how we feel about each other, the nature of attraction, and the physiology of monogamy without spouting out trite cliches about 'eternal love' and being 'the only one for me' etcetra. We are very happy in a monogamous relationship - one that has naturally evolved from casually dating to being serious - and don't particularly care what you think about that.

    IF we chose to explore any avenue of polyamoury it would be after intense dicussion and mutual consent. Don't act like I'm some skeezy creep who wants to fuck other girls.

    P.S - Creepy ex-boyfriends - I'm looking at YOU Tully - don't take this post as an invitation to resume/keep sexually harrasing my girlfriend. You're starting to annoy me.

  22. Captain, your life is yours to do with as you wish; there are enough people in the world to be able to ignore the one's that don't float your boat. But reading what your boyo said just there ^ he's a keeper :) Me, I can't seem to handle the inordinate amount of stress and commitment that sexual relationships seem to entail, so all I can say is thank fuck for the many and varied BDSM parlours in Sydney and Melbourne-cheap flights kick arse.

  23. Haters are always going to hate, whenever you step out of what is considered the norm people just can't get their heads around it and refuse to accept that other people may like to have different terms for their relationship.. key word THEIR relationship, nobody else's.
    My bf and I live together but have separate rooms somewhat a different level, but it still seems to weird people out and I always get the spiel about how you mustn't love each other much if you have separate rooms... personally I think its amazing, we don't fight, get in each others space and no one nags me about my clothes all over the floor. But people just can't accept that something that isn't normal might actually make other people happy because they have spent their whole lives having something else drummed into their thick skulls.
    Personally I think anyone who can make a polyamory relationship work, is amazing, I have complete respect for them, it takes a lot of strength and trust.

  24. Hey Lovely.

    I def. identify as Polyamorous, it just means i am capable of feeling love for more than one person at a time, but that it does detract from the level of intensity of love i feel for each individual, i've pretty much always been like this, but firmly identified since about 18. When it works right it is so fulfilling, each person facilitates and compliments differing aspects of my personality, much like different friends do. I <3 all my boys and girls as much as the other. Very glad you discovered the term and ideology =D

    <3 <3

  25. LOL so the bf DOES have a say, hey?

    All in all, I think you're a bored, narcissistic, scattered person - hence the rambling 4:40am blog posts, the same jaded photo 'sets' day after day...

    I think you should have discussed this PRIVATELY with your bf FIRST rather than airing it out in public for what it clearly is - to be controversial and hence inspire more comments to your blog (which, let's face it, hasn't been getting all too many of late) and also, to fill in your time.

    If you air it in public

    This post smacks of desperation and attention seeking!

    You're right though, Polyamory isn't for everyone BUT discussing the private, inner workings of it should be kept between those strictly involved I feel

    P,S - Move to Utah! ;)
    P.P.S - Polygamy is "ILLEGAL" in Australia!
    P.P.P.S - Baulderchode sounds like a good man =)

  26. Teehee; my posts are published around 9pm Australian Eastern Standard Time. It's not my fault that Blogspot doesn't want to use AEST.

    I HAVE discussed it with my boyfriend, which is why I felt it appropriate to share with other people. I don't value my blog on the amount of comments I get- that's quite lame!

    More to the point, if you're not a fan of what I do, what are you doing here? You're easily drowned in the many other positive feedback I get from people; clearly you need to pick up a hobby of some description! XD

    P.S- Eat my dick ;)
    P.P.S- POLYGAMY is to do with MARRIAGE, a concept I don't believe in. There is nothing wrong with having several relationships. Y so jelly of someone who has the capacity to love more than one person?
    P.P.P.S- He really is. More than anything, for the fact that not once has he ever tried to influence my being + opinions. Some food for thought, dear.

  27. If he has never tried to influence your being or opinions, I wouldn't fuck it up then by inviting other people (& their possible STD's!) in to share the bed - just MY opinion.

    You're correct, again! :P
    This blog has become rather banal of late, I'm over the posing & there are plenty of others far more deserving of perusal

  28. Are you quite done now? Off you go, then :) Don't let the door smack you in the butt on the way out, cheesebrain >;D

  29. Hey sweetie. Threre is a book I think you should read. You'd really enjoy it, and it helps things make so much more sense.

    Its called "the Ethical Slut; A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities".

    ^ its an amazing read. I felt so empowered after I read it! :D

  30. I saw on facebook that you said you were getting mean comments and I didn't know what you were talking about but I guess it was about this?

    I'm totally the opposite to you but even still I can understand what you mean. I personally am unable to be with more than one person, or even think of someone else, I'm ridiculously devoted and can't think of myself with other people/more than one person, I can't even watch porn, I think I'm sexually stunted LOL BUT my point it, even though I'm totally opposite to you I can understand where your coming from! Anyone making mean comments is silly, coz the only people whose opinion matters on this is the people you have relationships with, who would accept this!

  31. P.S. was just skimming the comments and actually went to click a "like" button on some, then realised this isn't facebook XD
    Also I think you said you like hearing how people in relationships can be - I've been with my boyfriend fooor... 2 years and 2 months I think? (I don't count the days and weeks XD)

  32. I personally would not be in a relationship which was anything but monogamous, but that is my opinion, as long as both parties know exactly what they're getting into, and are completely happy with the idea, then there isn't a problem. It's not for everyone - but hey, what is?

  33. Monogamy has nothing to do with evolution - men are pretty much made to spread their sperm. (I am going to be flung dung for this, but biologists consider men "disposable" in reproductive terms) Civilisation made this fancy marriage thing up.

    At times I have thought I would like to see more than one person at once - with everyone involved aware of course, but my current partner doesn't feel the same way.
    I still don't know how my brain works in terms of relationships, I'm still young and I feel like I want lots of experiences, not necessarily sexual, but intimate. ie, getting to know someone on a deeper level than video games and music.

    I really love all your blogs and this one especially as it's so thought provoking, I'll be pondering this topic for hours now!
    Keep up the great work :)

  34. Some human beings give me the GRRS

    Zephyr was stating her opinion and along with the other 95% of people who have been posting comments that Polyamory is okay agree with them!

    Your sexuality is yours to decide. Women should be able to have these relationships at ease without being labelled fithy word like a "slut". Finding who you are is an important part of your life and if you are judged about this then doesn't it just fuck up the process of trying to figure yourself out? I mean come on people give them a break!!
    I know for a fact that I'm Bisexual and I never plan to hide that, therefore I encourage everyone to be open about who they are, its a beautiful thing hide it... Am i right?
    I've been with my amazing boy for a year and a bit now and we have currently moved to an open relationship. The agreement itself was a big deal knowing you can still be comitted to this one beautiful person who is going through the same thing as you. And knowing you can be free and not worried about being labelled.

    I loved this topic Zephyr, Keep speaking your mind :)

  35. Hey hun, I've been in this same situation before. I myself am bi but sometimes depending on the ppl I meet I either say I am straight or gay. It's the black and white area ppl are ok with but the grey not so much. I get labelled as slut and greedy wanting both. I am open to the idea of a polyamorous relationship but I have not found it yet. For one being of this mind set you naturally come across couples who are open to a 3rd person. My problem is I could be attracted the girl and not the guy or vice versa. Or it could be a proposal of a one night stand which I am not comfortable with. I havent dated in over a year because of this. I say I'm gay because I know i can love a person and have a committed relationship for who they are on the inside. But those who can't understand will naturally and sterotype. It's hard not to get angry but you can't help their ignorance it's why I just keep who I am to myself and explain to those whom seen genuine and sincere with me. Some ppl need the elements of a woman and a man to be truly happy and their is nothing wrong with that...

  36. Thank you sooo so SO much for sharing gives me some insight (definitely needed) into why I am the way I am...and that its not so bad...AND knowing there are people who are the same--and comfortable w themselves--- is quite wonderful. Thank you again <3

  37. I get called a slut on a regular basis for being polyamorous and being open about it, so it's nice to see so many positive responses to your post.

    You are an amzing person by the way and should do what makes you happiest, besides, the world can always use more love right?

    So why not share with a couple people. :)

  38. Hello dear.
    I'll start by saying I'm a great fan of yours and maybe this publication is long overdue but I hope I still read.
    I do not know if my English is correct, I am using a translator.
    Maybe I should repeat that I am a big fan of yours, I really love him, is so charming, you are a work of art and truly my inspiration to draw.
    I've read a few months ago, his lips and teeth really captivated me.
    Well, now I will comment on this publication.
    I have a 17, and faithfully believe in free love, a few months ago I was involved in a relationship with a girl, I really thought she was the love of my life and as mentioned in the text, my soul mate, a series event did we parted, I felt bad at first but then I realized that our relationship was somewhat ill, she was a faithful companion, but I was not. Again, as the text says, I think that love can be of several people, I'm in a relationship with a guy but I feel very free with him, enjoy being with other people but with respect, some call me "bitch" however, are far from understanding what I really feel.
    I have no fear of commitment but I think it is necessary, one can live freely with the person you love or just like. Again, I believe in free love, free from restrictions, free to love one or a thousand people. Greetings from Mexico. I love you.