For anyone who knows me, well, knows me well enough- you’ll know that I often battle with horrible mood swings and crashes. I woke up today + already wished it was the next day. Can’t deal with someone having rant about what’s going on in their head? Get the fuck off of Blogspot.com then, asshat- it’s all you’re going to read here.
I’m not quite sure what the fuck I am doing at the moment. It’s rather difficult to sit down and have that think to yourself- what the HELL are you doing with yourself? I feel like my entire existence is wearing a pair of lead shoes + going for a stroll through cold sushi rice.
I don’t have a house, or a place to call my own home. I don’t have a job. I don’t have people who want to be my friends. I don’t have anything I’m particularly good at. I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t have any desire whatsoever to pursue more education. I don’t have my license. I don’t DO anything interesting. I don’t have any means whatsoever of achievements in my life at the moment except that I haven’t brutally slaughtered everyone in a shopping centre.
I would never quantify my sElf worth with the validation of another’s attention, but it’s been weighing heavily on my thoughts recently. For once, it would be just nice to have someone in my life who doesn’t mind that I have a weird face- who wouldn’t have me any other way. Someone that didn’t hit me, tell me I’m disgusting, or find comfort and company in another’s arms while telling me they have to work early/late that day. It would be nice to be wrapped up in someone knowing that they don’t want to look at another because they have me.
I think I had it once- someone who adored me for me, who thought every single thing that I ever did was the most genius, amazing thing ever- who didn’t even look at another person because I was everything they ever wanted and needed. I drove them mad + drove them away from me. I guess I deserved all the hell they put me through because of that- and the fact that a day doesn’t pass where I don’t think what would have happened if I wasn’t a stubborn arsehole.
I constantly think that maybe people would like me more if I didn’t look so weird, or have such a stupid taste in clothing and music. Sometimes I wish I knew what it was like to know what I am + what I am doing. I’m sick of just being ‘cool hair and piercings’ to people- I wish more people had a desire to know me on a more personal basis and not just solely on my exterior or what my Facebook profile says about me. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to actually have a personality, to be good at something and have people take me at least slightly seriously. I'm thankful for Pod's unconditional love more than ever- I taught him how to fetch today + he refuses to get out of my lap while I type all of this :3
Again, don’t take this as a plea for attention, a cry for help or anything else. I don’t need your validation, or for you to tell me what you think. This is a blog, and I will write what the hell I want.
So, social experiment- for anyone who is tragic enough to read this far + not think I should just delete mysElf; drop me a line on my email. Let’s kick it oldschool- before Myspace + Facebook and all that bullshit. I want to know people based on conversation, rather than their default picture.