Thursday, January 13, 2011

Misanthropy.

I look like a Sunday School student from hell. Today was muggy, gross and I was only tempted out of the house with the promise of eats. PRINGLES ARE VEGAN. WIN.
Outfit equation;
Sheer Sportsgirl knit dress + black singlet + tights + skull scarf + cardigan + inverted cross rosary + silver way-viator sunglasses + tan oxford shoes.


I don’t really care for pigeonholing- limitation of ones self is so last Tuesday, and the less I have to do with the meeting of other people’s expectations, the better.
That said, the one thing I have always, for as long as I can remember, have identified unabashedly as a complete and total misanthrope.
Misanthropy is generalized dislike, distrust, disgust, contempt or hatred of the human species, human nature, or society. A misanthrope is someone who holds such views or feelings. The word's origin is from Greek words μσος (misos, "hatred") and νθρωπος (anthrōpos, "man, human being").

Don’t get me wrong- I have a few friends + I wish no ill towards mankind. Well, that’s only half true. I wish no ill to people who AREN’T fuckwits and that list is surprisingly short. I have just never liked people- or their capacity for cruelty, bullshit and heartbreak.
Misanthropy isn’t something you just ‘get’, like a cold or a haircut. It’s buried deep down inside a person- however, able to be exposed as others actions wear down on you.
While I have the capacity to be pleasant and polite, I am more consumed by my capacity to hate. I believe the human race to be a plague, a disease on this poor planet- we’re a virus with shoes and the universe would be a whole lot better off if we didn’t exist. I AM the kind of person who will take one look at a stranger and instantly hate them. The ten second impression seems to work a whole lot more powerfully on me :P
I digress, let me tell you right now- it’s not easy to expose someone’s capacity to completely and utterly despise the human race. It’s not a goddamn cake walk to remove any semblance of positivity towards people in general.
I was bullied all my life. I will omit all other abuses of my trust for now. Some of my only memories from childhood were sitting alone, being told I was stupid and ugly and no one ever wanting to share my pencils. I recall the utter dread I felt every day I woke up, knowing I had to go back there- school was torture. I was picked on for my hair, the way I spoke, my weight, my height, my clothes, my family, the fact that I never had the new or cool stuff.
I remember in year 6, no one once called me by my name. I was always referred to as ‘slurry’ or ‘scrubber’- never as Kas. Some of the mean girls set me up on a blind ‘date’ with a guy they were friends with, and watched as I went to meet him and he screamed with laughter in my face and ran away.
I never had friends. The time that children were out hanging out with their friends, during lunchbreak and after school, I spent researching human disasters like WWII and watching the news- observing the sheer lack thereof of any capacity humankind seemed to have for compassion.
The bullying turned vicious in high school. People spat on me for being an ‘Anorexic bitch’ and a ‘disgusting freak’. I was whipped with sticks, never chosen for group activities, had my property stolen, people pretend to be my friend only to repeat everything that I told them to all their friends. I was pelted the entire bus ride to and from school with things from rocks to partially chewed food. I once even had someone throw diluted acid on me in science class because it was ‘funny’. I have developed a nervous tic that still plagues me to this day whenever I am around people playing sport from the amount of time I have had balls booted at me.
Want to know the worst part? I just TOOK it. Not once did I respond, lash out or say anything to anyone. I woke up every day and shoved my utter dread of school that day deep down inside me and soldiered on. I vaguely explained the bruises, cuts and missing stuff as horseplay and refused to call anyone out on their behaviour for fear of retaliation.
That was until one day. I was bullied and traumatised so badly at one school, I had a nervous breakdown and changed schools.
In the time I was too scared to leave my own house, I had a light bulb moment. People were evil, disgusting, cruel beings- nothing was ever going to change that. But I did NOT have to be pushed around by them.
This is MY life, and I’ll be damned if I will spend another second letting anyone fuck with me anymore.
I realised, contrary to my group of friends opinions at the time, that the lifestyle I wished to pursue + image I desired was not only not a bad thing, but completely and totally my decision. If they didn’t like it, they shouldn’t let the door slam on their ass on their way out. I shaved my Mohawk, got my first piercings and started to study misanthrope philosophers writings, such as Arthur Schopenhauer.
Fast forward. New school. A boy behind me in the canteen line shoved me, spat in my hair and called me a freak on my first day of school. So I turned around, king hit him with my left fist and dropped him like a sack of shit in front of the whole school waiting to stuff their stomachs with junk food.
I’ve not tolerated humanity since then. I have a small circle of people I feel I can trust enough to let into my life, but I am yet to NOT be let down by others.
If I could choose not to possess a complete hatred for humanity, I don’t think I would. Having walls harder to break down protects me. Having less ties to cut means being a nomad is less heartbreaking. Being completely untrusting of everyone makes it harder to be disappointed.
Don’t get me wrong- this isn’t a plea for help, a cry for attention. This is merely an explanation as to why I’m a distant, cold, unfriendly inhabitant of this planet. Don’t take it personally.
Z
xx
P.s; Alex is making me dinner.
P.p.s; ‘Slampiece’ shall forever replace the term ‘boyfriend’ in my vocabulary ;3

5 comments:

  1. I don't know you. I have never met you. I will probably never meet you. But, from reading your words, you seem to not be afraid to be 'yoursElf' and I really admire that in someone. I'm glad that you have the close people you let into your mind and heart. I try and see the best in people and I seem to get treated like shit and walked all over. I wish I had your courage to be 'mysElf' and not what society has planned for me. In my eyes you are brave, unapologetic for who you are and the person you want to be... And it cost you a mental break in your brainpan. Humans are cruel. Humans are selfish. Humans will eventually kill each other. I just hope I'm not one of them.
    Keep writing your words- even if 10 people read them and think about them, that's 10 less cunty people in the world who arnt thinking about themselves for a fucking change :)

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  2. You have no idea how much I can relate to this.

    Also, stealing 'slampiece' should the occasion ever arise that is.

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  3. I think this is fairly common behaviour for anyone who was serially bullied. Very similar to PTSD, in that we avoid all people as we have learned how horrid they are to us. I only wish I had the energy for the sustained self confidence you now have.

    PS. I can't wait for my slampiece to get back from Las Vegas...

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  4. Reading this, I am seriously almost crying, both because I can relate, and the fact that you had to go through this. I went through the same shit in primary and high school, and I too just let it happen without fighting back. At the time I felt like I was the only one in the world it was happening to and 2 years after finishing school it still upsets me. However, reading this let me know there are others who have suffered through this type of crap, and seeing how you unapologetically pursue the life you want, regardless of the many fuckwits, is inpiring. I hope many people read this and find it helpful - I know I have.

    xx

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  5. This line sums it up for me: "It’s buried deep down inside a person- however, able to be exposed as others actions wear down on you." I feel totally worn down. I used to be naïve and altruistic... but that shit just wears away, down to a stump of misanthropy.

    Thanks for posting your thoughts.

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