Sunday, January 16, 2011

Awkwardness + Soberness.

Outfit equation;
Singlet dress + cardigan + American Apparel over the knee socks + brown shoes + inverted cross rosary + Dangerfield ‘Brixton’ hat + silver Way-Viator sunglasses.


Do you ever walk into a room and feel uncomfortable? You haven’t got anything on your face, you’ve checked your shoes and made sure there’s no toilet paper stuck to the heel. Your outfit is in good nick, and as far as you know, you haven’t got food in your hair. Yet you can’t help but think, while people are smiling, asking you how your day was + just generally being pleasant; they’re being so sweet to you, because you are actually the biggest goober/pile of uncool they have ever seen in their entire lives.
Sound familiar? That’s essentially how my internal monologue plays out EVERY SINGLE TIME someone speaks to me. They could be someone I have known and loved for years, or a new friend, but I cannot ever seem to shake the fact that these people, who have welcomed me into their lives, are really only being nice to me because I am the saddest case they have ever clapped eyes on. Sad? Oh yes, I know. I have tried MANY times to tell mysElf otherwise, but I just can’t seem to shake it.
Recently, Alex took me to meet some of his friends at a show. They are some of the nicest, funniest people I’ve met- really genuine, and really COOL. Yet, as they were talking to me, and involving me in funny conversation, I couldn’t help but be acutely aware of precisely HOW FUCKING LAME I AM. Seriously. I know they wouldn’t care in a million years that my head is slightly furry because I haven’t reshaved it in a while, or that you could probably see a VPL with the skirt I was wearing, but as time ticked past, I felt more and more awkward. It drives me crazy. There’s not really a resolution to this story, more than anything I just wanted to make you aware that THAT is the reason why I’m such an awkward fuckstick when you meet me in the real world ;3
My social awkwardness has been especially bad recently, as I no longer drink. I gave up drinking because I realised that it had become this social crutch for me- I couldn’t go out and see people unless I was intoxicated, I couldn’t even have a night in with friends without a few glasses of gin. I realised that soon, people were only going to know ‘Drunk Kas’ and I didn’t want to lose mysElf to this alter ego I had developed. Call me an alcoholic- it was probably true at one point. Anyone who needs alcohol to have a good time, needs to take a long hard look at their life.
It’s a double whammy with being the sober girl- not only do you feel especially awkward for not having a beer in your hand, but having to hang around unreasonable and childish drunk people while stone cold sober is probably the MOST punishing thing you’ll ever have to do. I also noticed, the less I wanted to drink, the less some of my ‘friends’ wanted to hang out with me. And that sucked, hard.
Quitting drinking has been tough, let me tell you that. Especially as I came to rely so heavily on it for confidence + social lubrication. I know it’s for the best- but I can’t help but feel bummed as quitting drinking also resulted in MANY friends quitting on me.
Anyhow, on to my vague blabberings of my days goings on. Sorry I missed a post yesterday- I was just SO exhausted, I ended up just crashing out front of The Wire and then heading to bed.
I went into town with the intention of catching up with my friend Rusty- someone who I haven’t seen since before I had my ears repointed. I ended up running into a friend of mine I’d made over Facebook, Melissa, who was completely awesome to hang around. She is so funny + confident- we lurked in Diva, dissing the bad jewellery but eyeing off some of the sale bargains.
Coffee with Rusty was nice- but strange. You know when you haven’t seen someone for SO long, and a whole lot has been going on in your life, you just don’t know where to start? It was a bit like that. I ended up quite lost for words as to how to explain how my life had been recently. I should have told him to read this blog ;3
I decided I didn’t have NEARLY enough Lush goodies in my life, and headed to the store where I was met with such lovely girls who worked there. Some of them even wanted my photo- it was really awesome. Look at the pretty goodies I picked up- a vegan bath bomb that smells almost PRECISELY like cake + a glorious vegan chocolate vanilla sugar lip scrub. Divine!



Rusty had to leave, so I met up with Alex and we wandered vaguely around town. We went to get some tasty eats at a local vegan coffee shop that specialises in Chocolate goodness, called The Chocolate Bean and I realised how badly I was going to miss the place when I went to Melbourne. If you can find me a replacement for the vegan maple walnut praline mousse cake, then I’ll be more cheery- deal? 

Before I go, riddle me this; am I the only freak on the planet who is actually completely freaked out by regular sized poodles? You really only see people with toy poodles these days, but someone was walking their pedigree poodle in a park me + Alex were sitting in and it actually LOOKED like a human in a dog suit. I couldn’t look at it- it was freaking me out!
I’m weird. I know.
Z
Xx
P.s; You’re welcome. Click on the picture to see it bigger.

4 comments:

  1. About Poodles.... I actually was just having this conversation with a handful of friends about how freaky full sized poodles look. I think its just one of those things, like aquired taste for certain foods, where if you grew up around them then you can see all of the good traits they [can] offer you... otherwise, they're just slighly freaky looking to me. lol

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  2. I've only met you in real life the once and you did not strike me as awkward at all, you seemed so confident and cool. I was the one standing there thinking, "Oh man, this girl is SO COOL and she's talking to ME?"

    Also, yes, being the only sober person in a group of drunks can really suck. >_< But last night I went out sober and had the best time. :) I just went to keep my boyf company for a little while, I've had tonsilitis all week so I was going to stay sober, just chill and turn in early. And it was a great night! Usually sober nights suck. I think it's because usually I'm thinking, 'I need to get drunk, ugh, I'm not drunk enough, I need to get drunk NOW.' But because I had no aim to get drunk, I had a really nice time. :)

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  3. maybe i use drinking as a crutch maybe I don't. I drink because it drowns all the retards talking out & makes it easier to not want to crack their heads open.
    I also suffer from social awkwardness, and having met you, you'd find hard to believe, but I do. I over come it by not caring, I am not ruing to impress people. If someone e doesn't like me then why should I care.

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  4. Eeep, after reading this I feel bad for saying encouraging the more vodka at Lucky Coq. I didn't actually realise you had given up drinking, and I was unexpectedly tipsy myself and feeling awkward because nobody else was, haha woops. Please don't hold that against me!
    I know what you mean about feeling awkward though. I often think to myself 'this person can't possibly be talking to me and wanting to be my friend, I am just not cool enough'.
    Hell that Lucky Coq night I had a major outfit spaz because all the people that were there including yourself are relatively new friends and I didn't want to rock up looking like a giant dork!

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